WHY I TOOK A BREAK FROM BLOGGING

Upon moving my life to New York, I didn’t know what to expect. Checking in with you guys right now, it’s been over 11 months since I first moved from Texas and started this blog to encourage, uplift, and inspire others to take a leap of faith and step out of their comfort zones as I did… and am continuing to do. I realize I haven’t done my best job of this, these past months were some of the hardest I’ve ever endured in my entire life. Not only moving alone to a new city, starting a new chapter, with a new job…I also experienced great loss and deception. Due to this, the blog hasn’t been a priority of mine. I didn’t relay much of this on the blog or social media because it is so personal to me and until recently, I didn’t know how to articulate or talk about the subject with anyone except my close friends and family. Sharing this with you all didn’t even seem like something I would ever do, but having had a few months to recover, I have a sudden urge to discuss it. For this reason, I stopped blogging, I was less present on social media and this was for my own personal well being. In order to be 100% fully present and honest with you all, I want to briefly touch on the subject in this post. As I stated above, I haven’t been ready until this moment. This article isn’t to put the other party down or degrade him, but to open up about the hurt I was put through and hopefully warn other girls to prevent themselves from getting hurt similarly.

Most people know I was in a very committed and happy relationship, turned long distant when I moved, but for what I thought was only temporary. My other half had told me he was moving to New York shortly after gradation for a job, I thought this was fate. We we’re truly meant to be. Meanwhile I was in the city about 8 months, which over the period he was suddenly in and out of the hospital for unexplained health reasons. Each time leading up to the exact date when the “big move” was suppose to happen. The move to NY never happened, not even a simple visit. I had waited patiently thinking this was a series of unfortunate events, and that I had to carry on with my life. Yet I couldn’t. Each time he keep just enough of me in his grasp like a fly caught in a spider’s web. Each time, I had full belief that the next time (usually he would tell me just a few weeks later he would try to move again) he would finally get here. I truly put my life on hold for a man. Meanwhile, I would be crying and heavily breathing at work thinking that either him or his father was going to die. Along with his own “health issues” He told me his father had terminal cancer. My family and friends were constantly praying for him and his family, and trying to bring him casseroles and cookies… which was ironically “not a good time for him”. But how could I possibly break up with him during a time like this, I thought. So I let him take his time, I told myself I could wait. And waiting is what I did for 8 months before I received a phone call that changed my life.

It was his father…. “Excuse me, what?” am I dreaming? As my jaw dropped to the floor, all that I’d known began to unravel before me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t feel or process the news I had just heard. Our entire relationship, documented for over a year was a complete and utter lie. What I thought was reality was fake, what I thought was true was false. I had been dating, even signed a lease with the person I thought I might marry one day, who was in fact a complete con man. I learned he had lied about completing college, his health scares, his father’s cancer, all the trips planned to move here, his job, and countless little lies in between to cover up the big lies. Everything out of his mouth was an elaborate lie to keep me. He was living in the lie, he became the lie. I had been dating a complete and utter stranger. When I realized this, it was like a escaping a bullet. After hearing the news, I continued to make my way to work where it set in. I got immensely sick and was sent home where I didn’t leave my cave for nearly 3 days. I had never felt so defeated, lied to, manipulated, and deceived in my entire life. My family and friends mourned for my loss as well, seeing as they all we’re in such disbelief and shock as I was, everyone had loved him…. but did he really even exist?? I will admit, growing up as an only child in Plano, Texas; I was a tad bit sheltered. I grew up with the things I needed, wanted and then some. A perfect, normal life, I had never been lied too or had any reason not to trust anyone… never did I ever see this coming.

It’s been over three months since I found the truth and let me tell you, it’s been a ride. My emotions have been discombobulated, abused and slowly put back together, which is what I’m doing now. I’m healing. I am now at the place where that person who once had so much of my heart, has none. So much power and control of me, has zero. I can finally see things from a clear lens, I almost forgot why I had even come to New York in the first place. I still think about him everyday, the good times (which were probably fake), what he did to me, and how he’s doing. But I no longer miss him, I no longer long for him, or love him. I no longer want to waste any of my life on him. This has been a process getting here, I’ve been through many break ups and heart breaks, but none to this magnitude. No one has ever manipulated and deceived me the way he did and now no one else ever will.

This isn’t a story about trust, I’m not telling you all to not trust the ones around you, because you should. If you lived a life in fear of events such as this happening to you, you would never experience life. If I let him take away my trust and faith in men, then he still has a part of me. Even having been abused and burned, I still want to trust and have faith in people and I do everyday. It’s this story that allows me to wake up… I learned a valuable lesson. There were plenty of reasons to question him, the red flags were there waving right in front of me. I chose not to listen to them because it was better or easier to love him. Now I know to speak up for myself, question, and actually SEE the red flags when they truly are there! I learned to never put another person before myself and well being. I have more confidence and conviction that I ever had before, I feel finally like a grown ass adult that can conquer what ever I want. For right now, I’m not sure what I want, and that’s okay. But I do know I can finally experience New York and what it has to offer without someone else holding me down. It truly is hard, and I continue to miss Dallas everyday, but now I can focus on myself, my needs, my wants and what’s best for ME without anyone clouding that vision. I am stronger and more powerful than I have ever been. This is my message to you all. Don’t let others, life events, or fears hold you back from living your best and the fullest life that God has destined for us. Certain trials take us longer to over come than others, but like wind shield wipers on a rainy day, eventually we have to wipe the windshield clean so that we can clearly see the road ahead, and keep moving the hell forward!