SETTING BOUNDARIES: LET YOUR RELATIONSHIPS THRIVE

Ever have a friend or coworker that consistently leaves you feeling mentally drained? If so, this person may be violating your boundaries. What exactly are boundaries? We can think of boundaries as personal guidelines that we each create to establish how other’s should behave around us. In other words, they guide how we would like to be treated. These guidelines are usually unspoken, almost like codes or social cues that we’re taught from birth. As you can imagine, these codes can vary from person to person depending on family, where the person was raised, culture ,and even religion. It’s important to have personal boundaries and standards for your relationships because they establish mutual respect and care. Boundaries can take the form of physical, emotional, or psychological.

So who should you establish boundaries with? The short answer is everyone you have relationships with. Family, friends, coworkers, and even the surrounding community. Clear signs your boundaries may be violated are when you feel consistent confusion, anxiety, or loss of energy with a person. I think many people tend to push their personal boundaries aside out of fear of being mean or hurting a friendship. This will only hurt yourself. As discussed in my last article; How to Start Being Happy Today, it’s okay to be selfish when establishing boundaries. By not upholding our boundaries, happiness and growth in relationships may become compromised, and in certain cases, may be emotionally or physically harming.

Know your rights and own them! You deserve to feel safe, be heard, to have privacy and personal space, to be appreciated, and to have your basic needs met. Boundaries are important to establish right away, and to remain consistent throughout the course of your relationship. Examples of someone who may be violating your boundaries are: someone who guilt’s you into doing something for them, a person who is over flattering and insincere, a friend who uses your words against you, a person who points blame, or even someone who becomes cold or distant. Most commonly we consider these people manipulators, but this isn’t always the case. Often times we simply have different ideas of boundaries because of how we were raised, our beliefs, motives, culture, or personal space. For example, say a friend won’t stop calling you when you’ve told them you were busy with work. You politely tell them you would return their call, but they keep calling you thus preventing you from getting your work done. Perhaps this person is lonely, or maybe there is an emergency, or maybe they just don’t understand your work load. A person’s intentions may not always be malicious.

In order to establish boundaries, first, decide what you value. Maybe you need creative flow, quality time, focus and depth, or well-being. Next, establish what you need to do in order to meet these needs. Could that be taking minimal calls, focusing on one-on-one connections, starting a new project, or getting rest? Finally, decide how you will honor your boundaries. Maybe that’s prioritizing or scheduling important calls and meetings, having a weekly date night, saying no to last minute things that come up, or not working on weekends. With this process, set limits for yourself, stay consistent, and do uphold the same amount of respect for others’ boundaries as your own. Most friends and family will respect these needs and be understanding, while the manipulators will eventually stop.

With clear and consistent behavior of your boundaries, not only will you be able to uphold what’s important to you, but also allow loving relationships to flourish. Communicate openly and honestly when you need to and with assertiveness. Always stand up for yourself with confidence, and never let your happiness depend on others. With positive boundaries, the loving relationships in your life will thrive! :)